In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize