vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
