I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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