saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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