Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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