Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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