I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
