I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
