Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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