I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
