Tell her she can't have a vagina
I'm eating all of the evidence.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Drunk is not a location!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
