can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
