His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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