Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
