I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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