This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize