This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize