do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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