i may or may not be watching the land before time
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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