I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
