Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
