I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
