He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
