Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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