need another drink. this is the easiest way
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
