I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
