Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
