K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
