apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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