She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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