Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
