I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
