and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
