birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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