don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i wish my penis had a tongue
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize