Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
