Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
