Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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