her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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