we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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