We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
