I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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