I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
