i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
