it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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