my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
