he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
