i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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