I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
