I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
