I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
