So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
my poor anus
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
