Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
