Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize