how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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