a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
