I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
