I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
